Kirby Sommers, it's personal

The Jeffrey Epstein case attracted many of us who are still dealing with the issue of trauma. It’s always there. Even when you superficially “move on”. There was a modicum of hope that if the victims of Jeffrey Epstein were given “justice” in the full sense of the word – then we, I, my life, the pain, the suffering, the trauma would be healed. Finally. Forever. “Healing by Osmosis” would help us all.

With the decision on Thursday by the Department of State clearing Alexander Acosta’s “poor judgment”, it is painfully apparent that legal justice is not to be had. In the sense I’d hoped. In the sense you hoped. And in the sense Epstein’s victims/survivors deserved.

I’m going to use “OSMOSIS” again.

I, too, wanted to finally heal the rest of my wounds through osmosis.

It’s difficult enough to tell your story. It’s difficult to put yourself “out there”. It’s difficult to make yourself vulnerable to strangers by sharing the most intimate and most traumatic moments/years of your life. Because when you share it with another person – that person maybe understands 1% of what you’re communicating. And, so it leads to alienation. You’re never like anyone else. Forever.

On Twitter I found myself connecting to others who’d experienced similar pain, similar trauma. It finally felt like someone “got it”.

But even in a place where we’re communicating with like-minded people (men/women) who feel the same sense of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, in the depth of your heart – we’re still subjected to scorn and at times ridicule – we call those people trolls. They say “oh, she only wants to sell her books” or “oh, she only wants this or that” – what I do is find ways to survive financially, and hope that by sharing my experience, which is essentially my pain that in some small way it spreads awareness.

We want wrongs to be righted. By other people. And in some cases by the legal system.

And when they are not – we feel, once again, unworthy.

We over compensate. We work harder than anyone else. I know I do this. I work longer hours. I do more things. I write book after book. I learn skill after skill – and really all it’s for is to make sure I never again become someone’s human garbage sperm receptacle. That I can look after myself. Be self-sufficient, because really, even in a good relationship there comes a day when that person throws your past in your face.

Every relationship I have had with a man has ended with him calling me a “whore” during what might have been a “normal” argument in a “normal” relationship. You see I have no idea of what normal is as it has evaded me always. At this point my normal is finally normal enough.

There are days you put on your “face” and fight on. And there are moments when you can’t press on without revealing what it’s really like. This is what it’s really like. It’s painful.

No worries, though. I’ve been here a million times and I stay here momentarily before gathering the strength to press on.

If you feel you need to vent, I encourage you to do this. On paper, verbally, in any way and with anyone you feel comfortable with.

Let it out.

And, then let’s keep on exposing the dirty truth about what this world is like – to everyone. Because if we’re going to be denied “legal justice” – we will not be denied being heard.